Doors!

I can honestly say that March 7th in the year of 2005 was the worst day of my life. I was woken up at 4:15AM from a deep sleep by my son Michael telling me that the hospital was on the phone. I remember jumping out of bed and opening the door and seeing the look of my son's eye's as he handed me the phone. I remember taking the phone and slightly pushing him out of my room as I closed the door. I don't know what I expected looking back now. Was I expecting them to tell me that miraculously Paul was ok and I could come get him? I sat there dumbfounded listening to this woman, tell me that he had just "Passed Away!"

After the initial shock of the nightmare that she had just laid out to me wore off, and I got up off the corner of my bed and walked to the door. I don't think I was prepared to deal with anything that happened after I opened that door. It seems looking back in a stupid sort of way that everything would have been better if I had never opened that door and stepped outside. Because as soon as I opened that door I had to face reality! My youngest brother Joe was standing there with this look of desperation on his face warning me not to tell him the God awful secret that I knew. All he could do was look at my face and shake his head and grab me and hold me. My kids soon appeared and we all held each other for a few minutes and then I realized the next horror in front of me…..my mom was still asleep! I can remember the walk through the kitchen feeling like it took me hours to get through, I opened the door to her room and the light from the computer room shined in on her sleeping peacefully on the bed. I sat down and looked at her for a very long time, maybe no more than a minute or two but it seemed like hours. I finally got the courage to grab her leg and give it a shake, I said "Mom you need to get up!"

To this day I can remember the horror in her eyes as she jumped up looking at me in her room so early in the morning. There was no pause to get her thoughts together or wonder of why I was there. She reared back and took a deep breath and roared at me "Don't you tell me, don't you tell me!" All I could say was "I'm sorry Mom he is gone!" She hit me on the shoulders, shook me and then held me collapsing on me almost. She deflated inside and I could almost feel her heart break.



What I just shared with you I live with everyday in my head. I can remember everything about it. The smell of the rooms, the weather, even the folded jeans lying on my dresser that morning in my room. I have spent the last few years torturing myself with what if I would have done this and that, and why didn't I notice this happening to him and why did I let him down when he needed me most. I have heard friends tell me how crazy I am for thinking this and how I would have never known how bad it was because Paul never let anyone know how bad anything was with him.

So I want to say now to everyone that has ever said that to me, I thank you. It will never change the way I feel inside but it has let me think about everything in a much clearer light and though most of you think I am bull headed and stubborn, I have listened.



In trying times you definitely find out who your friends are. You find out who will take advantage of you in your time of depression and who picks you back up. So many of my friends at that time came forward to pick me back up. From Willie who brought over food from Boston market as a gesture of help, and then broke down as soon as he saw a picture of my brother in the living room. My Brother Brian's wife Angela who helped even though she was as hurt as the rest of us always had a hug for me when I needed it and so did her sister Patty, and her mom who also brought over a ton of food. I had friends like Anne who I had just met a week before Paul went into the hospital, talk to me on the phone for hours listening to me and helping me get through this. So many friends at work did so many things not only at that moment but for the months going forward that I will never forget any of their generosity.



I have come to realize that this life is all about doors, like the one I opened to tell my family the awful news. Some of us walk through doors together and some we will leave behind because they have their own doors to walk through. I like to think that one day if I keep my nose clean I will walk through a door alone and be welcomed by Paul and many others who have passed on or will pass on, and we will all celebrate this illusion called life down here…………and wait for all of you to join us!

~ Rod